I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
