Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
