I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Drunk is a universal language darling
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
