is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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