i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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