why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
