Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
