i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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