i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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