I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize