mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
