We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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