I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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