Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I have demons in me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
