when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
