My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
