The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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