You just made me feel so damn special
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we're making bets on your personal life
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
