I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
