I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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