If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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