you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
