I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
