I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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