dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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