I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dicks are not precious.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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