why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
