fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
