My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
