Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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