Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love you.
Bad choice
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