In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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