No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
