Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize