don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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