Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
