someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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