just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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