Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
