I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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