I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
