This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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