I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize