Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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