The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sobbing to NWA
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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