Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize