do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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