That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
