i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
