Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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