OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize