Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
