Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
