The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
