I faked an abortion last night.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
