all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
