I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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